Remember when...

...I told you I knew somebody who was born with only one kidney? Well his buddy at work was born without sideburns!

Our Favorite Mad Libs

A Speeding Ticket
(To be performed by two sharp people in this room.)

OFFICER: Sir, do you realize how fast you were drinking?
DRIVER: No, how fast was I puking?
OFFICER: You were going fifty tequila worms an hour in a 25 homeless man zone.
DRIVER: I'm sorry. I'm nervous. I'm taking my skank to the hospital. She's about to have a prude.
OFFICER: You also went through a red pedophile and failed to stop at a breast sign. May I see your driver's paddy waggon?
DRIVER: Yes. Oh, my! I left it in my other pair of triptiks. You see, my wife started to have labor faggots, and I wanted to get her to the crack pipe as gushingly as possible.
OFFICER: Your wife? I don't blow your wife.
DRIVER: She's right there in the back 18 wheeler. (Turns.) Oh, my! Would you believe I forgot my pony, too!


A Card From Camp
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I like all the kittens in my tent. I have become as close as two asses in a pod with Danielle Files, who has a funny personality and is never without a peach cobbler. She tells really slutty stories which make all of us grind out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long turnip green, but this morning I washed my shirts and Shauna's thongs and put them out to dry on the clothes San Diego, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and bloody tampons. I better get off my buttcrack and get my dead babies off the Camaro line before I run out of seeping underwear. I promise to write a letter full of sunglasses before my sphincter hits the pillow tonight...or tomorrow...or maybe I'll write Tuesday.

Your loving dildo,
Shauna Fritsch

Boston to San Francisco

The initial plan I had in mind was to write each day about each day of the trip. As you can see, 3 weeks later and that has not happened. And by GOLLY do some of you pester me about it. So here it is. Real short and choppy.

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My Opener
I like Mr. Duffy and chunky style peanut butter. Jesse likes candy and gymnastics. Max likes fireworks and firearms. Shauna likes, well, no longer any of us. It couldn't have anything to do with Jesse punching her at various times and at any given moment, or how I kept hinting that this whole trip was for the sole purpose of murdering her and placing her dead bloody body off the side of the road somewhere in Arkansas. Or because we decided to change her name and call her Shayna instead (and sometimes Cheyenne). That I blame on Jameson. The murder plot, however, I blame on her. She inspired me with her novel of choice for the road, “Body Dump”.

Transportation Related
Me and Jesse named our beautiful friendly Toyota Sienna Shevan. Before heading out we all made a wager on what car we would NOT see on the road:
Max – Yellow Ferrari
Shauna – Stretch Hummer
Jesse – 442
Dani – Cement Mixer
I think Jesse may have won this bet.

Music Related
I brought along 350 or so CD’s. Jesse requested Violent Femmes. I told her to go to hell, I wasn't about to sift through 5 books to find it. By the end of the day we decide to play close your eyes and pick a disc at random cuz it was more fun and our music tastes didn't overlap too much (Max–rap, Jesse-ska, Shauna-DMB, Me-everything cool). And whaddya know, I pick Violent Femmes. How fun!

The whoooooole trip, all me and Jesse wanted to hear was Nirvana's In Utero. And I own it. But with all 8 grubby little paws sifting through my books, we couldn't for the lives of us find it. Our very last gasoline fill up Jesse runs into the Mobile Mart to get *shocker* more candy, and there is one lonely CD for sale. Take a guess what it was…

Everything we put on, Shauna thinks is Fleetwood Mac.

We are driving in our beloved Shevan listening to Kings of Leon. But I decide to separate myself from the jerk-offs and listen to my headphones. And I put Kings of Leon on. What a bitch!!

Shit that happened
Dude with one tooth sold us beer and called us a cab. Jason was the taxi driver.

Max got a slice of pizza in Virginia at 'Luigi's' which was next to 'Shenanigans' where we drank all night. It was the worst slice pizza of his life. He was still complaining about it 3 days after the fact.

Misreading the sign of the motel I think we are staying at ‘Hot Fudge Inn’.

By end of trip, you can imagine how your nerves must be with 4 people living in a van. I was in a bitchy mood and sitting behind Jesse. I told her if she didn't move her seat forward I would punch her in the face. She turned around and saw the look in my eyes and thought “oh my god she really is going to punch me in the face” and moved her seat forward like I requested. I feel bad now.

Quotes
He thinks he’s a doctor. Not sure why, but whenever one of us had a medical question or concern his response was very serious “Any doctor will tell you…” - Max

While driving down Route 66 in the pitch dark and talking about our beautiful friend Alice, “What do you mean, she kinda looks black? She could be in the van right now and nobody would know!” - Jesse

We are talking about sex partners and how many we have had, “Yeah, my number is up there. I went through a phase you could say. I went to this football game one time...” - Shauna

We are on a alternate route in…Tennessee? And we see a ‘pony’ on the side of the road. The ‘pony’ was really a donkey. We are snapping photos of the 'pony' when this randy goat comes up. His lipstick starts popping out. And I’m talking a 6 inch shiny lipstick. Every time I try to snap a photo of it, it swiftly slides back in. I get annoyed with this horngoat and yell “GET YOUR DICK OUT, GOAT!!!” (For the inquiring mind, the goat eventually got off. Then licked himself clean. Oh, and we named the goat Rod.)

After beautiful guts are displayed on the windshield, "You never realize how fast 85 mph is until you hit a butterfly." – Dani

We find Nashville’s version of Chris Fahy. He comes up to me and puts his arm around me at last call. "Did you just touch me? You remind me of my dad. Wanna make out?" This leaves him completely speechless and completely leaves me.

"Hey Shauna, right before a girl gets murdered they get raped. Just so you know." – Dani

So Shauna decides to flip the script and over the pant finger Jesse. "If you enjoy this Jesse, I will be so mad at you!" – Shauna

We are on the highway in Arkansas and see a HUGE sign ‘XXX Adult Store’. We pull up, there are no cars, no windows and it looks like a huge warehouse. I have no interest in going in, I have everything I need. I am a little skeptical since there are no cars in sight. I’m stubborn and just want to read my map. Just go in I’ll wait in the car. But that ain't gonna cut it, I get convinced or pretty much dragged in. "ALRIGHT! FINE! JESUS! BUNCH OF JERKS! let-me-just-get-my-wallet-first." – Dani

We are drinking shot after shot of Tequila. We have arrived at drunk and also the first emotional break down of the trip. And it’s Shauna's. She didn't like the murder jokes. She knew nothing about the only boy on the trip. Oh wait, she did know one thing about Max. That he had guns. Eventually after a few minutes of crying, we have her laughing. Shauna you are crying and laughing at the same time! “I’m laughing because it’s funny. I’m crying because of the tequila!”

Shit that made us laugh
Fortune cookie for night one in Harrisonburg "a gathering of friends brings you lots of luck this evening." Not a single one of us got laid that night.

Shady mother fucker sitting in his conversion van in our motel parking lot in Virginia somewhere maybe? Talking on…..A BIG SQUARE CORDLESS TELEPHONE. Max offered up "he’s just a meth head" as an excuse. Cuz any doctor would tell ya.

Me and Shauna decide to shotgun a beer as a nightcap before bed. Brilliant idea. Whatever I couldn't finish I decide to just dump on Shauna’s head. This then brought on fear on Shauna’s behalf that we were going to do something to her towel. So she slept with it in her pants all night.

I am so drunk and so tired, that I decide to take off and run back to our hotel alone. I wish I hadn't because I missed this: They stop curbside to light up a cigarette and while doing so Shauna passes out. In a bush.

After the bush nap they make it back to the room. Shauna decides to revisit the plot of her murder and starts yelling at us again one by one. In a thong. And just like WWE style she decides to throw Jesse across the room, over the bed and into the wall. And then back over the bed and into the nightstand. Jesse the next day was adorning a bruised up chin and somehow rope burns on her neck? Weird.

Hello Vegas! Shauna turns into a pretty dainty girl. Makeup, earrings, little black dress. And she cashes in $40 for 4 rolls of quarters to play the slots. Slots don’t take coin honey. But she manned those machines like a pro. With one leg up and smoking a butt.

We decide to play MadLibs. We get through an entire story before Shauna realizes that we never included her on filling in the blanks.

Stuff we saw
A field in the middle of nowhere titled 'Foamhenge'. It is exactly what you think it is. Life size replica of Stonehenge, but made of foam.

While in Oklahoma at an IHOP we see in the parking lot a pick up truck. Written on the windows "Just Married!" and "MILF"

The ultimate redneck bar. In Amarillo, Texas. Named 'Buckles Western Bar'. We stopped off for 4 shots of Wild Turkey. Which came to $14.

Fireworks. In the desert. Set off by Max Greene Bastard Parts Unknown. Some of them shot up in the air. Some of them shot off AT us. No injuries. But man, does that kid like explosives. I have a new phrase to replace "like a kid in a candy store"…do the math.

Out of Gas (which we never were thanks to Mr. Tim Hoffman!)
Sure there are many more things to be told. But what happens on Route 93, 95, 91, 80, 66, 40, 15, and the Bay Bridge, stays on Route 93, 95, 91, 80, 66, 40, 15, and the Bay Bridge.

Fear Not of Fear

As most or all of you know, I'm busy packing, working my last shifts, getting my last shifts covered, sleeping on couches, sleeping with men, crying, panicking...but as soon as that is all done I will be writing more of my life. Soon.

ps. I know a guy who was born with one kidney!!

Me vs. Flying Cheese

My very first food fight happened at age 35 and it was while I was working. It wasn't the typical cafeteria style "Let's have a food fight guys! Yeah!". It was a fight of anger that happened to involve food.

I'm setting up the bar taking stools down and I notice a man and woman sitting on the sidewalk next to the driveway. The woman is slumped over in a just-shot-up kinda way, and the man is smoking a butt. I start to realize they very well just might be waiting for me to open and be my first customers, oh joy! I act in a proactive manner and walk by looking at them enough so they see my face and remember me when they attempt to enter bar. Lucky me, they still enter bar. They order a couple burgers, mozzarella stix and try to order 2 beers. I tell him I will serve, but her I will not. Him understands, but her does not like. The food order is put in, (money collected in advance of course, me a smaht cookie) his beer is poured, and words are exchanged between her and I. Not quite sure what the words were, but let's just assume coming from me it was nothing but high quality sass. She starts yelling without really saying anything and I respond with something like "look honey..." and she did not like that.

"You called me honey?! You're a lady, you should start acting like one." - Her

"Act like a lady? A LADY? I'm wearing a fucking skirt and fucking knee socks. You got makeup running down your face, and your fingernails look like you've been digging for potatoes!" - Cute Sweet Me

That's all she needed. Suddenly, as if in slow motion, I see a mozzarella stick come flying at me, marina sauce and all. And like Bruce Lee I karate deflect it back in her direction. More stix come at me, but this woman is too cracked out to hit the target - my pretty little face. Eventually her buddy realizes he is going to have to escort her out before a leap over the bar and put the smack down on this smacked out nutjob. All I hear him mumble to her while he's dragging her is "Come on! I can't get in trouble again!" In a way, I kind of felt bad for this dude. It's hard to be selective about the company you keep when you wake up next to them with a needle hanging out yer arm on city hall lawn. Shit, their burgers are still grilling up in the back. Poor guy, he's probably pretty hungry. So he comes back, apologizes and really just wants his burgers. I bag them up and hand them over and wish him luck. Don't worry kids, I did NOT give him my phone number like I usually do.

Skippety do da day...2:oo pm comes. Adamame walks in the bar, bearing gifts of iced coffee treats as usual, with a very amused look on his face.

"I just saw the most amazing thing. I wanted to take a picture of it. I wanted to take the picture and then have it put on a t-shirt." - Adamame

"What?! What?!" - Adorable Dani

"There is some woman passed out on city hall lawn with her face burried in a cheeseburger!" - Adamame

And there you have it. My food-fight-cherry-popping shift and karma in the form of a face dented meat product.

Nurse Kitty Loves Dr. Dog

That's not really what this story is about, but it got your attention I'm sure. And if you are of the Dr. Dog and google searching for stories on yourself, like the vain self-centered bastard you are...well...then I love you even more now. I have a love/hate relationship with self-centered people. I love them because they remind me of myself. I hate them because they should get over themselves and in a hurry, because there are OTHER people in this world that need attention.

Now back to me. I feel old. No, that is a lie. I feel the same age I did when I was 19 and had a fake I.D. saying I was 24. I feel...slow shall we say? I recently found out that an ex-boyfriend, let's call him NDL bought a house. When I met him I was 24 and he was also 24. Until he magically found that rewind-the-time-clock without offering me fare leaving him at age 19. I should have known this when I slept over his parents house and woke up to a Bob Marley poster. He fessed up in the same weekend, knowing that I wouldn't be mad because I was already hooked on him like a junkie on lies. We dated for about 4 months I think? Until I found someone more my age. Sorry, I meant someone that had their own place. Fast forward to this past July when I am down the Poi with Nils (who ironically went to the same school as NDL) and bump into mutual friends. NDL is not only a high school teacher, but he owns a house. For fucks sake, when I met him he was barely OUT of high school and was living at his PARENTS house! I'm a very happy person. Until I see my past flash before me driving an imported S.U.V. loaded with 2.5 children on their way to get immunized and laughing, throwing mortgage payments at me. When the hell am I going to catch up?? Am I supposed to catch up? Will I be happier if I do catch up to all these ex-boyfriends with property and vacations and vehicles and sexless nights with loved ones? Don't say it. I'm not bitter. One must be married and divorced to become bitter. I'm not worried. I'm humored if anything. Maybe I'm even setting a record for all the little boys I've slapped on the ass and pushed out into the real world thinking maybe they would come back to me once I suddenly became unfickle (yes, that is now a word). If only they could all see me now...I've got an amazing cat, a cute nose, dope undiscovered skills, and wear a size 7 shoe which most of their wives would envy. Stick that in your coach bag and smoke it.

Note to all my friends who are married with above said items, such as children and huts and maybe sex-filled nights: If you are reading this, you already know that I love you. I am 100 percent confident the one you end or ended up with is a beautiful person. They picked you, so they must be. Jesus Christ, I sound like I'm writing a wedding toast. Gross. Also, I am willing to engage in a threesome if necessary to save your relationship. Just not you. And you know who you are.

Is There Such a Thing as an Italian Human Puppy?

Nobody ever gets excited when they hear "Let me tell you this dream I had" because it's hard enough to follow for even the dreamer. For the listener it becomes "what kind of a face can I make so this asshole actually thinks I'm listening to him". Make this one exception. For me. I'll make it as clear as possible to follow. And by that I mean the letters on this page are black and the background is white.

I heard some puppy Cocker Spaniels were going up for adoption. I was very interested in getting my hands on one of these pups, but I needed the advice of a good friend and dog owner, one named Nils. I told him about it and he wanted in on a puppy too. He thought it would make him look good in his lady-Jen eyes. I contacted the broker, who happened to be a real estate agent down the street from our work. He told me he would waive half the finders fee for me and Nils. I was given permission from Nils to pick out his puppy. Each puppy had a video profile interview, but in the video they were represented by humans. I watched the videos and kind of had an idea that I wanted this one female puppy, who was spoken for on behalf of a really pretty Italian woman.

It's time to pick out your puppy for real, so I go down to this field where they are supposed to land via little tiny parachutes. I see all of them falling in the sky one at a time and I find her. She is the last one to be dropped, she's the cutest and tiniest one.

My puppy shows up at my work, with her adoption papers in hand. Notice I said 'hand' and not 'paw'. Instead it's the really pretty Italian woman. I was a bit curious but assumed she would eventually poof turn into a puppy. I talked to her with that annoying baby talk voice. I told her her name was going to be Kate. She said she was named that once before and didn't appear to be too happy about it.

Until I told her: "Well, the puppy that was dropped before you was named Leonardo. And you are the Kate Winslet that I have rescued. Just like in the movie 'Titanic' ".

Then I asked her how old she was: "I am 6 weeks old." Oh goody, I thought. She really is a puppy.

"But are you going to walk on all 4's soon, or are you going stay on your hind legs the whole time?"

"We don't call them hind legs. We call them our small legs. And yes, I will eventually walk on all 4's for you."

And then I woke up. Go ahead, say it/make reference it. I'm sure you are DYING to.

One more thing. When I was worried that I hadn't really gotten a puppy in the deal, I called Nils and asked him if he got his puppy yet. He responded "Oh boy did I. And it worked, I'm getting laid as we speak!" click