Is There Such a Thing as an Italian Human Puppy?

Nobody ever gets excited when they hear "Let me tell you this dream I had" because it's hard enough to follow for even the dreamer. For the listener it becomes "what kind of a face can I make so this asshole actually thinks I'm listening to him". Make this one exception. For me. I'll make it as clear as possible to follow. And by that I mean the letters on this page are black and the background is white.

I heard some puppy Cocker Spaniels were going up for adoption. I was very interested in getting my hands on one of these pups, but I needed the advice of a good friend and dog owner, one named Nils. I told him about it and he wanted in on a puppy too. He thought it would make him look good in his lady-Jen eyes. I contacted the broker, who happened to be a real estate agent down the street from our work. He told me he would waive half the finders fee for me and Nils. I was given permission from Nils to pick out his puppy. Each puppy had a video profile interview, but in the video they were represented by humans. I watched the videos and kind of had an idea that I wanted this one female puppy, who was spoken for on behalf of a really pretty Italian woman.

It's time to pick out your puppy for real, so I go down to this field where they are supposed to land via little tiny parachutes. I see all of them falling in the sky one at a time and I find her. She is the last one to be dropped, she's the cutest and tiniest one.

My puppy shows up at my work, with her adoption papers in hand. Notice I said 'hand' and not 'paw'. Instead it's the really pretty Italian woman. I was a bit curious but assumed she would eventually poof turn into a puppy. I talked to her with that annoying baby talk voice. I told her her name was going to be Kate. She said she was named that once before and didn't appear to be too happy about it.

Until I told her: "Well, the puppy that was dropped before you was named Leonardo. And you are the Kate Winslet that I have rescued. Just like in the movie 'Titanic' ".

Then I asked her how old she was: "I am 6 weeks old." Oh goody, I thought. She really is a puppy.

"But are you going to walk on all 4's soon, or are you going stay on your hind legs the whole time?"

"We don't call them hind legs. We call them our small legs. And yes, I will eventually walk on all 4's for you."

And then I woke up. Go ahead, say it/make reference it. I'm sure you are DYING to.

One more thing. When I was worried that I hadn't really gotten a puppy in the deal, I called Nils and asked him if he got his puppy yet. He responded "Oh boy did I. And it worked, I'm getting laid as we speak!" click