Boston to San Francisco

The initial plan I had in mind was to write each day about each day of the trip. As you can see, 3 weeks later and that has not happened. And by GOLLY do some of you pester me about it. So here it is. Real short and choppy.

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My Opener
I like Mr. Duffy and chunky style peanut butter. Jesse likes candy and gymnastics. Max likes fireworks and firearms. Shauna likes, well, no longer any of us. It couldn't have anything to do with Jesse punching her at various times and at any given moment, or how I kept hinting that this whole trip was for the sole purpose of murdering her and placing her dead bloody body off the side of the road somewhere in Arkansas. Or because we decided to change her name and call her Shayna instead (and sometimes Cheyenne). That I blame on Jameson. The murder plot, however, I blame on her. She inspired me with her novel of choice for the road, “Body Dump”.

Transportation Related
Me and Jesse named our beautiful friendly Toyota Sienna Shevan. Before heading out we all made a wager on what car we would NOT see on the road:
Max – Yellow Ferrari
Shauna – Stretch Hummer
Jesse – 442
Dani – Cement Mixer
I think Jesse may have won this bet.

Music Related
I brought along 350 or so CD’s. Jesse requested Violent Femmes. I told her to go to hell, I wasn't about to sift through 5 books to find it. By the end of the day we decide to play close your eyes and pick a disc at random cuz it was more fun and our music tastes didn't overlap too much (Max–rap, Jesse-ska, Shauna-DMB, Me-everything cool). And whaddya know, I pick Violent Femmes. How fun!

The whoooooole trip, all me and Jesse wanted to hear was Nirvana's In Utero. And I own it. But with all 8 grubby little paws sifting through my books, we couldn't for the lives of us find it. Our very last gasoline fill up Jesse runs into the Mobile Mart to get *shocker* more candy, and there is one lonely CD for sale. Take a guess what it was…

Everything we put on, Shauna thinks is Fleetwood Mac.

We are driving in our beloved Shevan listening to Kings of Leon. But I decide to separate myself from the jerk-offs and listen to my headphones. And I put Kings of Leon on. What a bitch!!

Shit that happened
Dude with one tooth sold us beer and called us a cab. Jason was the taxi driver.

Max got a slice of pizza in Virginia at 'Luigi's' which was next to 'Shenanigans' where we drank all night. It was the worst slice pizza of his life. He was still complaining about it 3 days after the fact.

Misreading the sign of the motel I think we are staying at ‘Hot Fudge Inn’.

By end of trip, you can imagine how your nerves must be with 4 people living in a van. I was in a bitchy mood and sitting behind Jesse. I told her if she didn't move her seat forward I would punch her in the face. She turned around and saw the look in my eyes and thought “oh my god she really is going to punch me in the face” and moved her seat forward like I requested. I feel bad now.

Quotes
He thinks he’s a doctor. Not sure why, but whenever one of us had a medical question or concern his response was very serious “Any doctor will tell you…” - Max

While driving down Route 66 in the pitch dark and talking about our beautiful friend Alice, “What do you mean, she kinda looks black? She could be in the van right now and nobody would know!” - Jesse

We are talking about sex partners and how many we have had, “Yeah, my number is up there. I went through a phase you could say. I went to this football game one time...” - Shauna

We are on a alternate route in…Tennessee? And we see a ‘pony’ on the side of the road. The ‘pony’ was really a donkey. We are snapping photos of the 'pony' when this randy goat comes up. His lipstick starts popping out. And I’m talking a 6 inch shiny lipstick. Every time I try to snap a photo of it, it swiftly slides back in. I get annoyed with this horngoat and yell “GET YOUR DICK OUT, GOAT!!!” (For the inquiring mind, the goat eventually got off. Then licked himself clean. Oh, and we named the goat Rod.)

After beautiful guts are displayed on the windshield, "You never realize how fast 85 mph is until you hit a butterfly." – Dani

We find Nashville’s version of Chris Fahy. He comes up to me and puts his arm around me at last call. "Did you just touch me? You remind me of my dad. Wanna make out?" This leaves him completely speechless and completely leaves me.

"Hey Shauna, right before a girl gets murdered they get raped. Just so you know." – Dani

So Shauna decides to flip the script and over the pant finger Jesse. "If you enjoy this Jesse, I will be so mad at you!" – Shauna

We are on the highway in Arkansas and see a HUGE sign ‘XXX Adult Store’. We pull up, there are no cars, no windows and it looks like a huge warehouse. I have no interest in going in, I have everything I need. I am a little skeptical since there are no cars in sight. I’m stubborn and just want to read my map. Just go in I’ll wait in the car. But that ain't gonna cut it, I get convinced or pretty much dragged in. "ALRIGHT! FINE! JESUS! BUNCH OF JERKS! let-me-just-get-my-wallet-first." – Dani

We are drinking shot after shot of Tequila. We have arrived at drunk and also the first emotional break down of the trip. And it’s Shauna's. She didn't like the murder jokes. She knew nothing about the only boy on the trip. Oh wait, she did know one thing about Max. That he had guns. Eventually after a few minutes of crying, we have her laughing. Shauna you are crying and laughing at the same time! “I’m laughing because it’s funny. I’m crying because of the tequila!”

Shit that made us laugh
Fortune cookie for night one in Harrisonburg "a gathering of friends brings you lots of luck this evening." Not a single one of us got laid that night.

Shady mother fucker sitting in his conversion van in our motel parking lot in Virginia somewhere maybe? Talking on…..A BIG SQUARE CORDLESS TELEPHONE. Max offered up "he’s just a meth head" as an excuse. Cuz any doctor would tell ya.

Me and Shauna decide to shotgun a beer as a nightcap before bed. Brilliant idea. Whatever I couldn't finish I decide to just dump on Shauna’s head. This then brought on fear on Shauna’s behalf that we were going to do something to her towel. So she slept with it in her pants all night.

I am so drunk and so tired, that I decide to take off and run back to our hotel alone. I wish I hadn't because I missed this: They stop curbside to light up a cigarette and while doing so Shauna passes out. In a bush.

After the bush nap they make it back to the room. Shauna decides to revisit the plot of her murder and starts yelling at us again one by one. In a thong. And just like WWE style she decides to throw Jesse across the room, over the bed and into the wall. And then back over the bed and into the nightstand. Jesse the next day was adorning a bruised up chin and somehow rope burns on her neck? Weird.

Hello Vegas! Shauna turns into a pretty dainty girl. Makeup, earrings, little black dress. And she cashes in $40 for 4 rolls of quarters to play the slots. Slots don’t take coin honey. But she manned those machines like a pro. With one leg up and smoking a butt.

We decide to play MadLibs. We get through an entire story before Shauna realizes that we never included her on filling in the blanks.

Stuff we saw
A field in the middle of nowhere titled 'Foamhenge'. It is exactly what you think it is. Life size replica of Stonehenge, but made of foam.

While in Oklahoma at an IHOP we see in the parking lot a pick up truck. Written on the windows "Just Married!" and "MILF"

The ultimate redneck bar. In Amarillo, Texas. Named 'Buckles Western Bar'. We stopped off for 4 shots of Wild Turkey. Which came to $14.

Fireworks. In the desert. Set off by Max Greene Bastard Parts Unknown. Some of them shot up in the air. Some of them shot off AT us. No injuries. But man, does that kid like explosives. I have a new phrase to replace "like a kid in a candy store"…do the math.

Out of Gas (which we never were thanks to Mr. Tim Hoffman!)
Sure there are many more things to be told. But what happens on Route 93, 95, 91, 80, 66, 40, 15, and the Bay Bridge, stays on Route 93, 95, 91, 80, 66, 40, 15, and the Bay Bridge.