Our Favorite Mad Libs

A Speeding Ticket
(To be performed by two sharp people in this room.)

OFFICER: Sir, do you realize how fast you were drinking?
DRIVER: No, how fast was I puking?
OFFICER: You were going fifty tequila worms an hour in a 25 homeless man zone.
DRIVER: I'm sorry. I'm nervous. I'm taking my skank to the hospital. She's about to have a prude.
OFFICER: You also went through a red pedophile and failed to stop at a breast sign. May I see your driver's paddy waggon?
DRIVER: Yes. Oh, my! I left it in my other pair of triptiks. You see, my wife started to have labor faggots, and I wanted to get her to the crack pipe as gushingly as possible.
OFFICER: Your wife? I don't blow your wife.
DRIVER: She's right there in the back 18 wheeler. (Turns.) Oh, my! Would you believe I forgot my pony, too!


A Card From Camp
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I like all the kittens in my tent. I have become as close as two asses in a pod with Danielle Files, who has a funny personality and is never without a peach cobbler. She tells really slutty stories which make all of us grind out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long turnip green, but this morning I washed my shirts and Shauna's thongs and put them out to dry on the clothes San Diego, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and bloody tampons. I better get off my buttcrack and get my dead babies off the Camaro line before I run out of seeping underwear. I promise to write a letter full of sunglasses before my sphincter hits the pillow tonight...or tomorrow...or maybe I'll write Tuesday.

Your loving dildo,
Shauna Fritsch